It's the most wonderful time of the year...really?

I have long since felt an indifference towards New Year's eve though I am not entirely sure why. I've always felt a bit down and mopey on the night.

Now, I am afraid I am beginning to habour similar feelings towards Christmas. I did get into the festive mood on occasion but largely I have found it to be more of a chore this year...finding gifts, wrapping gifts, the usual things you are supposed to do at this time of the year...My heart just was not in it.

This is our second Christmas without Patrick and it has been much tougher than the first. Perhaps having Eoghan helped soften that blow of facing special occasions like this without Patrick last year.

But as cute as he is, Eoghan was never going to be able to shield me from this forever. Truth be known, I ve been miserable. And feeling very guilty about it, too. Because I know we have a lot to be grateful for. Thankfully, I am still able to see that. I am glad that the cat turned up eventually. As we got him just as we were expecting Patrick, and because we have seen him bond with Patrick and not leave the room the night of the wake, we are extremely, extremely attached to Tipoki.

So I know I should concentrate on those small things but sometimes it is not as easy to just go and do what you know you should. It has been difficult for me to figure out how to best include Patrick in the festivities because I would hate for him to be slipping from peoples minds especially at this time. There are things we do already, like our family photo decorations on the tree and visiting the grave Christmas Day. But somehow I feel this is not enough and he deserves more.

As one of my very thoughtful friends pointed out, there are so many gifts being given...Patrick should have one too and placed on his grave. So maybe we should get him a small gift every year. And make sure Santa brings one to Eoghan from Patrick, too so that, while they were not allowed grow up with each other, a bond of sorts will be forged...

I am sure we will find our way on this path yet but it is proving bloody difficult. :/

They say the second year is much harder than the first. Boy, do I hope that is true.

For almost as long as I have been living here, Christmas eve has always meant pretty much the same thing: Midnight mass, singing, drinks, bed. It had become a lovely tradition that, when Patrick was born took on another, even more important meaning.

When Patrick arrived, it re-ignited that magic about Christmas that I remembered from being a child. In my mind, this was one tradition we'd always follow. Me heading over to practice on a Christmas eve, Pat getting the kid(s) ready and bringing them over later. A bit of mingling and chatting before we'd head home to open one present each and then into bed.

It was supposed to be our little family thing that we do Christmas eve. And when I say family thing, I include the people we meet at Midnight mass because they have been become my family here.


As we now know, life had other plans. Two Christmasses was all we were allowed to spend with Patrick. We are grateful that we have Eoghan but Christmas is still a very difficult time. The run up to Christmas is one big rollercoaster of ups and downs.

From the excitement of getting the place ready for Eoghan, buying gifts, having that "aha!" moment when you finally find that special something for someone to missing Patrick especially at this time. It's become even more important to me to hang on to these little traditions.  While, due to a variety of reasons, we may not always get to do the very same thing, I am hoping some aspects of the Christmas eve schedule will remain.

But life is busy and ever changing. New traditions will make their way into our life. Who knows what those may be but I guess they will reveal themselves eventually.

Until then, we can only take one step at a time and I should probably apologise in advance for being happy, sad, cranky, irrational, cheerful and mopey....all at the same time.