There are days when you expect that you will be feeling raw and sad. Days when you anticipate the MISS will be massive. And you try to steel yourself just to realize afterwards it was not as bad.

Then there are the days when you know you should be having a good time and all of a sudden all you want to do is shut out the world and switch yourself off for a while.

Once more, I have been blindsided by the MISS though I felt it brewing for a few days.

I am not sure whether it was a combination of going away for the weekend AND my birthday that triggered it or just my birthday … but hit it did.

I just do not seem to be getting any joy out of my birthday anymore. The day has lost a lot of its meaning to me and all I wanted to do was pretend it was not happening. Somehow, the normal routine and the daily grind are my friends along this journey. They keep me focused, keep me functioning. Breaks, changes to the routine and special occasions leave me all muddled up because they appear to emphasise the Sproggy shaped hole in my life. Everything just turns into a reminder of what is missing. As much as I want to, I am unable to shake that bout of depression leading up to the day and on the day itself. Those are times I feel scarily low… often amazed at the new depths I reach.

It’s a vicious cycle really and perhaps, if I allowed myself to let it be what it is, I would not get as bad.

However, as I am very much aware of not looking forward to the day and missing Patrick so much on those occasions, I then begin feeling incredibly guilty for feeling that way. I get very cross at myself for moping and not taking comfort in the many good things in my life as I feel I should. I beat myself up for not counting myself lucky to have a wonderful husband, a cuddly and huggy son and so many people who care about me. As a result, I start worrying: Worrying that those bouts of intense grief are turning me into a neglecting mother, numb wife, absent-minded friend and all around bad person. I wonder why I seem incapable of putting this aside and give my other son, husband and the world around me the attention they deserve? And I question why anyone would possibly want to stick with me.

All these thoughts result in a downward spiral that I get sucked into for a time. Once I am out the other side, I know that really, I am not like this as much as I think I am. I know that, overall and all things considered, I am functioning reasonably well. But it is easy to be reasonable when your mind is clear. Not so much when it is foggy and full of negative thoughts, worry and sadness. I do find it scary when those negative feelings and thoughts temporarily take over and make everything seem so much worse than it actually is.  People know that in those times I become a little bit of a recluse as I am trying to make sense of what my head is going through. I have to become quiet and listen to those thoughts before I can attempt to straighten them out and make sense of them.

Just maybe the husband is right and I need to allow myself to feel what I feel. I know that I am appreciative of what I have in life – just as much as I am painfully aware of what I have lost. And perhaps I would not have the level of appreciation without that loss.

Still, there are plenty days when I wish I could have remained blissfully unaware of this side of life...

From the Great Limerick Run to Darkness into Light...

Monday May 5th was Great Limerick Run 2013- day. This year, we chose CRY Ireland (Cardiac Risk in the Young) as the charity we wanted to support as a small token of appreciation for having screened us following Patrick's death.

They are entirely self funded and rely on the generosity of the people to keep what they are doing. Their screening and research offers the families of sudden death victims so much.

Sometimes, just some peace of mind in knowing the rest of the family have been checked out.
Sometimes, a bit of closure in pinpointing a possible cause of death if another family member is found to be having some sort of heart or genetic defect that the deceased may well have had also.

While we may never truly know for sure, they do help families feel a tiny bit safer again after the rug was pulled from under them in such a big way.

This year, I set myself the challenge to run the full 10K and was really thrilled with my time of 57 mins and 47 secs. Credit also goes to my parents who, despite not being spring chickens anymore, jogged the 10K in an impressive enough time for their age categories.

The following Saturday, I also took part in the Darkness into Light 5K Walk/Run in aid of Pieta House (Help for Suicide and Selfharm) together with friends. It meant getting up at 2.30am to be ready for the 4am start but was such a great experience. You literally walked from the dark of night into the break of dawn...together with some 6000 other people...adults, children, dogs. A symbolic walk from the darkness that depression, suicide and selfharm brings into the light of hope towards a way out.

On both occasions, I listened to the song play list on my phone and both times this song came up during the run:

Passenger, Let Her Go

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep

For me, it's lyrics somehow symbolise the intricacy, fragility and sometimes downright weirdness that can be ones outlook or mental state.

It's usually only in the dark of night when the bad thoughts hit worst. When you are alone and all is quiet. This is when people often feel their most desperate.
So many times it is when we've lost people or things that we truly appreciate what we had in them.
In an instant everything can change and sometimes it seems like everything good in our lives slips from our grasp.
When you have lost a loved one, those moments before you drift off to sleep is often when your thoughts turn to them and the sense of loss you feel at knowing you cannot ever hold them again in this life.
One minute you can be insanely happy and the next so low that it knocks you for six.

Something about the lyrics and the melody always makes me feel a bit sad and reminds me of the losses in my life and how I may have felt on occasion.

Life can be tough, unpredictable and sometimes downright mean. One can only hope that people who struggle with life and what it throws at them, have a support network; people whom they can turn to. While in the darkest of hours the thought of having to live through one more day may be almost too much to bear, the perceived "solution" is never that.

There is always some hope. There is always a better way out. And perhaps you could look at the lyrics and the sentiment of the song in a different way:

You only appreciate the good things in life when you have had to live through the bad.
You only truly savour having the sun kiss your face after a horrid, long, dark winter (hello summer? now would be a good time!)
You "live" more intensely when you realise that you only have one true shot at this life and especially when you see people struggling with terminal illness - fighting to live.

When feeling low, a cry for help can sometimes be a mere whisper as it is so hard to verbalise. If someone is fortunate enough to be able to put into words what they are going through, it can still be difficult for them to be truly "heard" and for it to be taken as seriously as it should.

We need to learn to listen to each other better...There is no shame in struggling. There is no weakness in needing help. Nobody can be strong all the time. And above all, life is worth fighting for.