Incredibly, it has been almost 15 years since our world suddenly ground to a halt. 15 years since our lives turned into 'before' and 'after'. 15 years of learning to live with a Sproggy-shaped hole in our lives.
I am finding it really difficult to put pen to paper these days (fingers to keyboard, more like). Life is incredibly busy and I do not seem to get much time to really pause, think and let the ink flow as often as I would like. Maybe subconsciously I do not want to either because doing so might pull the scab off older (and newer) wounds. Even though life pulls me along; over bumps and through potholes the size of craters; not a day goes by that I do not think about our curly haired, dimple-y faced little first born.
I recently spent some time going through some my earlier posts and specifically those that came before Eoghan was born all the way back in 2011, a mere 10 months after SUDC had taken Patrick. Knowing that he would never meet his older brother was something that I struggled with so so much. How could we make sure Patrick remained part of the family and Eoghan would feel some manner of connection to this absent big brother - as abstract a concept as it might be for him?
Almost 15 years later I can say that Patrick has remained in our lives and in our family. He is as present as he can be. By speaking about him, answering any question the kids sent our way as honestly as we can (and there have been many!) and by marking his birthdays just like we mark everybody's birthday in this house (with a cake breakfast!), he remained present in our home as well as in their minds.
It makes my heart feel so full to see Patrick included in every little drawing of the family. Both children instinctively put him right there beside themselves along with the cat and all. Even in school when the kids drew members of their family, there he was. He is spoken about openly in class, that other brother, the one 'what died'. Might have made for some interesting conversations with teachers over the years! But: I'd rather interesting conversations than the silence that childloss used to be shrouded in.
Marking his birthday with cake as we do, I think, meant that in their eyes, he's growing older, too. Caoilfhionn will say he is the oldest of the siblings. She regularly cocks her head, deep creases appearing across her forehead, thinking very hard trying to figure out what exact age he would be now. 'He might be almost ready to learn to drive soon!' or 'He'd be in 5th class in secondary school!'
It is so very bittersweet to hear him be included like this and I hope it won't ever stop. I honestly cannot believe we are almost 15 years into living without this wonderful little boy. It does not seem that long ago. Thinking about the events that day will never get any easier. If I sit and cast my mind back to January 25th 2011, I can feel that panic, that fear that turned into absolute horror. Sitting all the way in Berlin, helpless and utterly lost. Then I try imagine what was going on for Pat at that same time and it breaks my heart in all sorts of different ways all over again. Having to see him in the creche, watching the medics work on him, hospital, the doctors having to 'call it'...
Just how do you learn to live with all those memories and pictures in your head? Somehow we did. Perhaps because there simply isn't a choice. Perhaps because the brain protects us from the true enormity of it all. Perhaps it makes sure we deal with grief in bite-sized chunks because all of it at once would make us choke.
"The reminders pull the floor from your feet
In the kitchen, one more chair than you need oh
And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair
Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it, isn't there
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We're quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do"
Linkin Park
Sproggy and Tipoki - much loved & missed.
