SUDC robs you of the single most precious thing in your life - your child and with it part of your future. Subconsciously, you have their life and yours mapped out. There will be school, birthday parties to go to, junior and then leaving certs, uni, weddings, grandchildren - and then in one moment this all vanishes into thin air. You never get to see what they look like grown up, what sort of a person they will be, who they will perhaps marry. Maybe we take those things for granted but then, why should we not? That is usually how it works, after all.
When Patrick was just about 6 months old or so, I set up an e-mail account for him and would occasionally email him with updates on his little life. I got a message read out to him on the radio for his 1st birthday and pestered the poor DJ, KC, for a copy of that clip so I could e-mail it to him. I guess I was looking forward to sharing all those things that you might otherwise forget over the years with him when he was older.
Was that so presumptuous of me/us?
SUDC also takes something else - your innocence and confidence. It strikes me every time I see parents out and about with their babies/toddlers. They do not know what I know now. They can still stroll along pushing that pram, headphones on while I am sometimes wondering how on earth they know their little one is still alive in there! We may never be able to go about taking care of any future children in the same innocent way we did before. After all, we have that dreadful experience of losing one to something so cruel and sneaky.
While we will most definitely not get that innocence back, we can fight to restore that confidence. In many ways, what worked for Patrick so very well, should work on subsequent children, shouldn't it? He was a well adjusted, lovely little boy. So, we must have done it half ways right that far. Why should we want to change a single thing in the way we brought him up when we get to number 2?
I can honestly say that I am not sure how I will react to having a new baby in the house. I could not honestly predict if I'd hover over the child or be able to raise it in much the same way we did Patrick.
As Patrick got older and was moved into his own room just located above the sitting room, we often did not even bother much with baby monitors anymore. Once he was 18 months old. We'd be very likely to he hear him squawk without electronic help. We also knew his patterns. We knew he'd sleep no problem most of the time and when you get to know your child like that, you know what to expect and you relax.
A few weeks back I was up late watching TV, with the sound turned up a bit more than I would have if Patrick had been upstairs sleeping and I thought to myself...I think I'd definitely be using the monitor still...sure how would I catch if something was up without it?
So, you see, I am really not sure what it will be like with No. 2. All we can do is wait and see and play it by ear; knowing that whatever we feel the need to be doing to remain sane, will be OK. Ultimately, I hope we will succeed in clawing back that confidence - No. 2 and us,too; we would all deserve it.
