And then again, among all this pain and sadness, you find yourself able to recognise and cling to the small mercies amidst all this. The impossible happened. Your healthy toddler just dies for no apparent reason in his creche whilst one parent is out of the country. How on earth should it be possible to find anything positive or comforting arising out of that sort of a situation.
Yet here we are and I think there were plenty of things to be grateful for and plenty of stuff that helped/helps us through it all.
1. As horrible as it was for my wonderful husband to have to deal with this by himself initially and as much as I really wanted to be there for him in that moment, I am glad I did not have to receive that call, drive to the creche and see the paramedics work on our son. I am positive that I would not have had the strength to witness that. Maybe some greater power had some sort of a say in this. If it had to happen at all, it happened in the kindest way possible - sort of.
2. At least our son just slipped away quietly in his sleep. As much of a shock as it was, at least he did not die of some horrible illness that would have seen him suffer and seen us and the extended family see him waste away slowly.
3. I am glad, my husband did not find him at home as is so often the case with SUDC and SIDS, too. Especially with me gone, I think this would have been so much more traumatic on us. Although, the way it happened was absolutely devestating for the creche staff!
4. I am grateful that our friend, the priest who baptised him, was around to say his funeral mass. He was only in the country literally for just a week between trips and a longer absence from his usual parish.
5. I also think it helped me and my German folks especially to see the way Irish people rally around their loved ones when there is a death. The way there were always people in the house, making tea and food and making themselves useful. The way people dropped everything to be by our side in those early days. They way people cared when they came to the wake and funeral in their hundreds. This all was amazing to me and it really helped me through that early time.
6. The way people continue to stick around, ready to listen when you need to talk and being ok about backing off when you are having an anti-social moment.
7. I am grateful that we are young enough to be having more children. While no amount of siblings will ever replace Patrick, I think the situation would be infinitely worse if one ever lost their only child at a stage in their life where there was no more hope of any siblings. Maybe I am trying to make myself feel better about our situation but I do believe that ours is not as bleak as it could be - if that is right way of putting it.
8. And finally, there is the way we are in the most bizarre position to say, yesterday, Tuesday 09 August 2011 it was 28 weeks ago that Patrick died and we are also exactly 28 weeks pregnant with his sibling, Skippy, the kangaroo. (Honestly, they keep telling me it is a human baby but if this is true, he is suffering an idendity crisis and believes himself to be a kangaroo judging by the activity.) After our son passed away, we sort of said to hell with planning. We spend most of our lives planning and scheming. I in particular. We had "planned" to have this first one and then enjoy him/her for a while before going for number 2. Well, all the planning in the world did not do us any good here so we said to hell with it. Whatever happens, happens. Apparently, it happened rather quickly!
So, you see. While there are days when you want to hide from the world, there are others where you are able see beyond the pain and grief and find yourself able to recognise the small blessings in life. It's probably all our own unique way of coping - and sometimes, it is amazing how we cope.
