The day that Patrick will have been gone as long as he was with us for. Frightening to think that this will happen so soon. November 16th is the day.
It will be almost 2 years since he died then.
Still:
It does not feel real; even at this stage.
It seems so long since I last held him, yet time has flown.
I still have not really figured out who I am anymore; I only know I am not the same.
On the surface, I function well enough. I get up. Things get done. As of this week once more, I go to work. I took up running. I look well, I am told. Well...tis a good distraction to what's going on inside, isn't it?
You get on with life, because you have to. As someone once said, you put on your face as you go out the door and just get on with it.
But underneath that, Patrick is always in my thoughts. Many times throughout the day I ask myself if it really did happen and if so, how? Sometimes, I wonder was he even ever here because it seems so long. There are flashbacks to that day, that realisation I had in Berlin that my son was dying or more probably already dead. I relive that panic at some point or another most days. Every time an ambulance races past me on my walk, I freeze and imagine Patrick in it with the paramedics frantically working to save him.
That is what the last almost 2 years have been like for me. This is my new normal. Amidst the good times, the laughter, Eoghan and other blessings, there is always that...and it will never go away. Sometimes, it gets the better of me and it gets too much.
Of late, I had really been struggling.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, work is proving a distraction. A welcome one at that. Less time for the mind to ponder and wander to dark places.
Still feeling somewhat fragile and teetering near enough to the edge at times though.
But as they say, there is no getting over, under or around grief....you can only go through it. Put on your outdoor face and take on each day as best as you can...because I feel I owe it to Sproggy to make the best of life. We do only get this one shot at it and as much as it sucks at times, I need to live for the things that we can be grateful for...And there are so many.
xxx
