Lately, I've been feeling off form physically and mentally. There's been a pretty much constant feeling of anxiety, a feeling of stress and a feeling as though an elephant was sitting on my chest. I feel overwhelmed...just not on top of stuff when I am normally super organised. A small thing like forgetting to post a letter would send me into a mini panic attack. And I have regular bouts of feeling very faint - a bit like when your blood sugar drops too low - and craving sweets. Then there are flashbacks with the occasional nightmare thrown in. Quite the mix!
Just getting through the days was beginning to seem like a major achievement. It left me feeling vulnerable, confused and shattered. This just isn't the normal me so I decided to take a trip to the docs for a bit of an NCT. He asked was there anything particular stressful happening right now. Hmmm...not really I thought although life without Patrick is getting to me a bit more again. Hard to verbalise those feelings though? So long story short, I was asked back for a blood test to see if there was anything physical causing those symptoms. (Still pending the results).
Afterwards, I started thinking about his question and realised that actually yes, there are some pretty major things happening right now.
1. Traveling for the first time in two years and pretty much the first time again with a kid since Patrick passed away. I've been avoiding travel, especially travel involving planes, ever since. Most simply put, my head says:
Home= Good and safe
Travel/Away = Bad bad bad. Avoid.
2. Traveling with work for the first time since Patrick died just 3 weeks after coming back from Germany. Now, I did decide I would try as the trip makes sense and is only as far as the UK and the husband and Eoghan will be able to come with me. So it is not a case of me not having a choice here.
3. Mothers Day...which actually caught me by surprise...sneaky little fecker.
4. Eoghan growing up and getting to be ever closer to "that age".
5. Getting Irish citizenship
So, an awful lot is going on.
The travel plans seem to bring on flashbacks, memories and nightmares. When I look at pictures of Patrick, it still always hits me like a ton of bricks...that realisation that it did actually happen. That realisation is followed by my mind taking a wander back to Germany to the time when I was given the news...Or to Patrick's grave and thinking that it just cannot be true. This is followed by an overwhelming feeling of sadness and "miss".
Many different things can bring on that "miss". Looking at our wonderfully bright Eoghan and realising he is fast approaching that same age. A song. A news item. And sometimes it is so strong, it almost takes my breath away. It still hurts so much. And it is still as hard to put those feelings into words. So while that is impossible to me, I continue to end up hiding so only the poor patient husband who does not have much of a choice has to put up with this miserable guts by his side.
I do sometimes wonder if those really bad patches can be some form of PTSD flare-up. How do you know? Are they supposed to happen this long after? What do you do about them without munching drugs? This road really is full of twists, turn, potholes and one way streets. Hopefully I'll be hitting a smoother stretch soon because a lot of peoples patience is being tested here....
Really, I do wish I was able to at least end all posts on a very positive note. While time does help you live with this (cos you very well do not have a choice anyway), there are constant up and downs....mostly ones you never saw coming. The day of my citizenship ceremony was a really good day. I had a lovely time...been paying for it since though. :/ Humph.
Overall though I guess that losing a child is just something that'll never have a happy ending...So apologies for the lack of positivity. At the very least it is an honest account of this particular journey...once I am somewhat able to put it into words.
