Sometimes I wonder if those times of intense struggle and anxiety are sneakily co-inciding with times when your head is busy mulling something over before coming to a decision on that something that you never even realised you were busy thinking about - subconciously, of course.

While the triggers I identified in the last post (and some more in my head since then) were/are very real, I was a bit dumbfounded to hear myself say to the husband how I thought we should really think about moving Eoghan out of our room and into the boys room. Was this really something my brain was gearing itself up to coming to a decision to?

It would seem so. Of course we will take our time with that step and not load it onto an already full schedule of emotionally charged times (travel, Patrick's birthday, more travel etc), my head seems to be happy to have come up with a plan.

I think once more, our very different experiences of the day Patrick died are causing us to occassionally walk somewhat different paths on this journey. A lot of the anxiety I have been feeling lately is about firsts that I have not yet had to face. Most of Pat's big firsts after Patrick's death are very much linked to home, Limerick, the creche, the hospital, ambulances. All stuff he has been unable to hide from...unlike me. With that respect, he is probably a little farther down that road while I am lagging behind (although we are probably on the same stretch of that path when it comes to his lordships eviction!).

Eventually you do have to face those unpleasant firsts. You cannot hide from them forever, no matter how much you want to.

Thankfully, the strong physical manifastations of this anxiety have lessened a lot over the last days. Maybe my head has made its peace with these impending firsts. Maybe it was the husband and our friends who dragged me out St. Patrick's day night.

I got a good telling off for muddling through the depths of depression all by myself and not reaching out enough. How can you, I complained to them, when you are absolutely unable to verbalise what you are going through and what is going on your head. They did not care and may have threatened a slap across the back of the head if I did not cop on...

So we defined a code word. I use it, they know I am struggling.

And I think I will use it, because I really do not like slaps across the back of the head...


P.S. Gradually, I am getting my head around the fact that Patrick's death is not something you put behind you or move on from. You cannot close that chapter and open a new one. It will always be there. It will always be as real (or unreal) as the day it happened - but I will learn to accept it has being part of who I am now. I will need to learn to honour his memory in a positive way...ensuring Eoghan knows about his big brother but does not feel like he is living in his shadow.

Ha! Piece of cake that! .... Now what was that code word again?!? :/