There are certain times throughout the year during which you expect to feel the MISS more so than on other days.
Christmas, anniversaries, your child's birthday.
Something I didn't quite expect was how much I would struggle on my own birthday.
Why? It is my birthday, after all. And I still love organising and scheming for Pat and Eoghan's and other people's birthdays. Why do I have such an issue with my own special day? It now seems meaningless and something I dread:
Messages of Happy Birthday on my Facebook wall, the cards, people wishing me a Happy Birthday...I just can't deal with that very well anymore.
You are supposed to be happy on that day. You are supposed to tell people that you are having a great time and be cheerful. How can I have a Happy Birthday when part of me is missing?
Instead of being excited and looking forward to birthday surprises, I get down and depressed leading up to the day and would prefer to spend the day itself hiding from the world.
In a way, I think I am just not sure how to deal with myself yet when it comes to this occasion. I am unpredictable even to myself and unable to foresee how I am going to feel and what it is that might make it all easier for me.
Interestingly, as soon as the day itself has passed, I notice my mood improving and a few days later, I am well on the way to being back to normal. It is not that I do not want to acknowledge my birthday at all, because I do realise that it is a day not just for me, but for the people who love me (for whatever mad reason) to show me what it means to them to have me in their lives...My parents, sister, husband, friends...
The words Happy Birthday just have become words I find very hard to hear.
A few days ago, I reached out to other parents in our group to find out if they struggled with this day also and if so, how they dealt with it. A lot seemed to agree that their feelings towards their own birthday did change after the loss of their child. How could we possibly ever have a Happy Birthday again when a piece of our heart is missing?
Everyone finds ways of dealing with this...eventually. Some people take their birthday off social media to avoid the dozens or hundreds of birthday wishes. Others deactivate their accounts. People acknowledge the day in small ways...dinner with family and friends. All with very little fuss and without those two words: Happy Birthday.
One lady said that her friends will just post a little message saying: "Hey...It's your birthday."
It is a simple acknowledgement saying that they haven't forgotten and to let her know they are thinking of her.
I think I like that idea. It gives your loved ones a way to acknowledge the day, makes you feel good that people do remember but without the underlying expectations the words Happy Birthday may trigger...You sort of feel you ought to be happy, regardless.
Over the last 3 birthdays, I have learnt that there is no point in trying to do anything too birthday-y on the day itself. I just never really know what way I am going to be. I think I'd love for my husband to just be there, ready for a hug, going with the flow, a dinner reservation on stand-by, a card and gift ready and just tell me: I know this is hard....I love you.
It probably would be more sensible to organise something more a few days later when I know I should have bounced back.
So I apologise for being difficult to read during that time, Pat.
Apologies also for pulling disappearing acts.
Honestly, I hate being like this...unable even myself to figure me out. Please bear with me as I am learning what works for me/us when it comes to these occasions.
