But apparently not only when you are having fun but also when you are grieving.
I cannot believe it will soon be one year. Where did the time go and if it flew like this for the first year, how quickly will we be 5 or even 10 years down this road? Life just continues to happen around us - but will that mean Patrick's memory will begin to fade as it does?
During the first year, everyone still makes an effort to remember the birthday, remember him at the first Christmas without him by our side....in this year of strange firsts.
How long before we will start to forget the little and the big things?
The sound of his voice. His laugh. The way he called us mammy and daddy. What he used to like. His giggle. The feel of his curls. The feel of his sloppy kisses. The intense, inquisitive look of his huge blue eyes. His smell. The fact he loved broccoli. The way he was good at jigsaws and liked animals. Small little incidents that were funny or cute.
How long before we go: "Oh...I had almost forgotten that he used to...."
Indeed, how long before he will slip as quietly out of peoples memories as he did out of this life? For sure, we, his parents, will never forget him. And deep down I know people around us will not either but he may not get mentioned as often and that might make him slip from everyday life once more.
It scares me. I don't ever want this to happen but I am afraid it will at some point. And maybe this will be normal to a point...
It makes me sad that his little brother will never truly understand who this person is that his mam and dad get so sad about and speak of so often.
The only way I think I have been able to get through this past year, is because my brain kindly detaches itself from the experience...like this is happening to another person and I am an onlooker; or I am looking at it as though I am watching a movie. Every now and then, there are moments where this does not happen; when the cruel reality of it really hits. Possibly as often and for as long as my brain thinks I am ready to.
Anyway...it will have been a year since Patrick's died on January 25th and my wonderful little boys brother will be 3 months old on that day. He was born precisely 9 months to the day. He was the reason our Christmas, though not easy, was not as difficult as it might have been.
He is the reason I continue to be able to get up in the mornings.
January 25th will not be easy. I am not sure what will happen on the day but I guess we have to take it as it comes...
His creche are planting a tree in Patrick's memory that day. Along with Patrick's patch on the wall in the main hall, this will be another nice way to remember him and make sure he is not forgotten.
Still...I miss him more than I could ever say. Life still is not the same and never will be again. It can still be good though...
