Monday 26 September 2011

Feeling Detached

I have been noticing lately that somehow, in my way of getting through every-day life, I am feeling strangely detached from Patrick's dying.

I know it happened. But yet it seems pushed to the back of my mind.
Maybe you could say I feel like an onlooker rather than someone stuck in the middle of all of this. And yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, the knowledge is there.

Memories are becoming, at times, unbearably painful - but mainly only if they pop into my head when I am alone. Surrounded by people, I feel myself able to reminisce and speak about him in a natural sort of a way.

I am avoiding looking at his pictures and the memory of the day he died seems too much to take in. Knowing we will never be able to hold and hug him and see him grow up just takes my breath away.

I don't want to be here, in this position. But I guess, I am not given a choice in the matter.

Tuesday 13 September 2011

Ultimate Definition of Mixed Emotions

Every Tuesday since we have found out we are expecting our second child has been a day of mixed emotions.

33 weeks since Patrick died and 33 weeks pregnant today.

It's been like this for the past twenty-odd weeks. I am finding it both tough and comforting.

On the one hand, it is a constant reminder how much time has passed since our whole world was turned upside down. On the other hand, it is one week closer to meeting this new little man.

It's become somehow part of my grieving process - having this every Tuesday of every week. So in a way, I wonder what it will be like when this one is born and we do not have this weekly "ritual" anymore.

I still wonder if I am just putting off the inevitable - will it all catch up with me once I am home with the new baby?

In fairness, these last weeks we have been keeping busy between baby stuff and headstone stuff and it is far too easy to keep busy and switch off your mind. At least most times during the day.

Each night when I go to bed, my last thoughts are with Patrick and each morning when I wake up, he is on my mind first thing. or there are the times I am alone in my thoughts, perhaps going for a walk and listening to music. That's when he pops into my head and I am reminded of him from songs.

Like Bruce Springsteen's Terry's Song... "when they build you brother, they broke the mold".

And then you wonder:

What if the new baby looks just like him?
What if he does not?
What if he does not measure up to Patrick in terms of being an "easy" baby?
What if he gets sick?
What if he does not like sheep the way Patrick did? Will that disappoint me?

Perhaps all these questions will just go away and it will get easier but I am certain missing him and wanting him with us will never go away.