Sometimes I wonder if those times of intense struggle and anxiety are sneakily co-inciding with times when your head is busy mulling something over before coming to a decision on that something that you never even realised you were busy thinking about - subconciously, of course.

While the triggers I identified in the last post (and some more in my head since then) were/are very real, I was a bit dumbfounded to hear myself say to the husband how I thought we should really think about moving Eoghan out of our room and into the boys room. Was this really something my brain was gearing itself up to coming to a decision to?

It would seem so. Of course we will take our time with that step and not load it onto an already full schedule of emotionally charged times (travel, Patrick's birthday, more travel etc), my head seems to be happy to have come up with a plan.

I think once more, our very different experiences of the day Patrick died are causing us to occassionally walk somewhat different paths on this journey. A lot of the anxiety I have been feeling lately is about firsts that I have not yet had to face. Most of Pat's big firsts after Patrick's death are very much linked to home, Limerick, the creche, the hospital, ambulances. All stuff he has been unable to hide from...unlike me. With that respect, he is probably a little farther down that road while I am lagging behind (although we are probably on the same stretch of that path when it comes to his lordships eviction!).

Eventually you do have to face those unpleasant firsts. You cannot hide from them forever, no matter how much you want to.

Thankfully, the strong physical manifastations of this anxiety have lessened a lot over the last days. Maybe my head has made its peace with these impending firsts. Maybe it was the husband and our friends who dragged me out St. Patrick's day night.

I got a good telling off for muddling through the depths of depression all by myself and not reaching out enough. How can you, I complained to them, when you are absolutely unable to verbalise what you are going through and what is going on your head. They did not care and may have threatened a slap across the back of the head if I did not cop on...

So we defined a code word. I use it, they know I am struggling.

And I think I will use it, because I really do not like slaps across the back of the head...


P.S. Gradually, I am getting my head around the fact that Patrick's death is not something you put behind you or move on from. You cannot close that chapter and open a new one. It will always be there. It will always be as real (or unreal) as the day it happened - but I will learn to accept it has being part of who I am now. I will need to learn to honour his memory in a positive way...ensuring Eoghan knows about his big brother but does not feel like he is living in his shadow.

Ha! Piece of cake that! .... Now what was that code word again?!? :/

Lately, I've been feeling off form physically and mentally. There's been a pretty much constant feeling of anxiety, a feeling of stress and a feeling as though an elephant was sitting on my chest. I feel overwhelmed...just not on top of stuff when I am normally super organised. A small thing like forgetting to post a letter would send me into a mini panic attack. And I have regular bouts of feeling very faint - a bit like when your blood sugar drops too low - and craving sweets. Then there are flashbacks with the occasional nightmare thrown in. Quite the mix!

Just getting through the days was beginning to seem like a major achievement. It left me feeling vulnerable, confused and shattered. This just isn't the normal me so I decided to take a trip to the docs for a bit of an NCT. He asked was there anything particular stressful happening right now. Hmmm...not really I thought although life without Patrick is getting to me a bit more again. Hard to verbalise those feelings though?  So long story short, I was asked back for a blood test to see if there was anything physical causing those symptoms. (Still pending the results).

Afterwards, I started thinking about his question and realised that actually yes, there are some pretty major things happening right now.

1. Traveling for the first time in two years and pretty much the first time again with a kid since Patrick passed away. I've been avoiding travel, especially travel involving planes, ever since. Most simply put, my head says:

Home= Good and safe
Travel/Away = Bad bad bad. Avoid.

2. Traveling with work for the first time since Patrick died just 3 weeks after coming back from Germany. Now, I did decide I would try as the trip makes sense and is only as far as the UK and the husband and Eoghan will be able to come with me. So it is not a case of me not having a choice here.

3. Mothers Day...which actually caught me by surprise...sneaky little fecker.

4. Eoghan growing up and getting to be ever closer to "that age".

5. Getting Irish citizenship

So, an awful lot is going on.

The travel plans seem to bring on flashbacks, memories and nightmares. When I look at pictures of Patrick, it still always hits me like a ton of bricks...that realisation that it did actually happen. That realisation is followed by my mind taking a wander back to Germany to the time when I was given the news...Or to Patrick's grave and thinking that it just cannot be true. This is followed by an overwhelming feeling of sadness and "miss".

Many different things can bring on that "miss". Looking at our wonderfully bright Eoghan and realising he is fast approaching that same age. A song. A news item. And sometimes it is so strong, it almost takes my breath away. It still hurts so much. And it is still as hard to put those feelings into words. So while that is impossible to me, I continue to end up hiding so only the poor patient husband who does not have much of a choice has to put up with this miserable guts by his side.

I do sometimes wonder if those really bad patches can be some form of PTSD flare-up. How do you know? Are they supposed to happen this long after? What do you do about them without munching drugs? This road really is full of twists, turn, potholes and one way streets. Hopefully I'll be hitting a smoother stretch soon because a lot of peoples patience is being tested here....

Really, I do wish I was able to at least end all posts on a very positive note. While time does help you live with this (cos you very well do not have a choice anyway), there are constant up and downs....mostly ones you never saw coming. The day of my citizenship ceremony was a really good day. I had a lovely time...been paying for it since though. :/ Humph.

Overall though I guess that losing a child is just something that'll never have a happy ending...So apologies for the lack of positivity. At the very least it is an honest account of this particular journey...once I am somewhat able to put it into words.