Yes, neither was my fault and I know I should be grateful for the child we have. I am! But that does not diminish the guilt and heartache I feel over the other two...What was and what could have been.
... as a woman; because it's been five months and counting and despite everything being "normal", I can't seem to get pregnant.
What's wrong with me? What is "normal" anymore? There was a time I could trust my instincts when it came to my body. Now, nothing makes sense. Everything is different. Little rhyme, even less reason.
... as a person; because I ought to be able to rise above all that and take it as it comes but I can't always.
I ought to be patient; to give it time; to realise there are others worse off; that our time will come again. I know all that and for the most part, I am patience personified (at least by my usual standards) and it is not what I need to hear when once again it did not happen even though we did everything we can. When my body leads me on for days (Hey, we're actually late!), with symptoms and twinges very familiar to before...But in the end, again, nothing... I need to be sad, hugged, vent and possibly fed a stiff drink! And be told that yes, life's an awful wench altogether today.
I feel so betrayed, out of sync with my self, not knowing me anymore right now.
With every passing month I feel I have less and less to go by as to what is normal for me. Like...what is "late" now?
With every passing month I wonder if this is it...if maybe we have reached our allotted number of pregnancies and aren't meant to have more.
Who knows.
Every passing month I allow myself to feel disappointed for a while; then dust myself off and continue to try and take it as it comes...enjoying our family as it is now and having the laughs with a wired 3 year old.
Because, ya know...
Who knows.
