Who'd have thought...

I sometimes reflect on my teenage years and early twenties. From where I am sitting now, they seem so carefree and easy.

There are things that I recall that now make me smile or cringe, occassionally both. At that stage in our lives, we look towards our futures and see aspects of our lives mapped out in front of us. Most of us do it. It is normal. We see the usual in no particular order: Partner/House/Job/Children/Travel.

We're only vaguely aware of potential hiccups along that path of ours. Perhaps change/loss of jobs, moving house, illness, perhaps the kids bit taking longer than anticipated...

There are some things however, that one never anticipates. They just do not enter the equation at all because, if we even are aware of them, they are always those that happen to other people...not us.

Never in a million years would my teenage-self have seen my early thirties-self doing the things, thinking the thoughts and feeling the emotions that I find myself doing, thinking and feeling.

Tending to a grave, buying books to explain to my second born about that someone that came before him. Worrying about how to ensure he grows up with some sort of a connection to that person whom he'll never get to meet. Fretting over not wanting him to feel like he is growing up in his dead brothers shadow.

Our lives changed irreversably that day. A certain innocence has left our lives forever. Our confidence was shattered...although thankfully you can claim that back...for the most part anyway.
It leaves you feel like all bets are now off though.

Where previously some odds seemed way too small to cause concern, your inner voice now pipes up:
"Just 1 in 1000 get this disease you never heard of? So what? The odds of what happened to us were 1 in 100000.....!"

Odds mean very little now. Things that used to be important, or get prioritised, now take a back seat. Really experiencing Eoghan and the things he does and says has become most important to me. Taking the time to watch him potter about. Chat with him. - Not that I did not do that with Patrick but with him, there was always the thought that sure, don't we have plenty of time to do this, go there, take him to see the other? Little did we know that time would be in short supply.

There are things and songs that remind me of before, of a time when we were younger and not burdened with what we know and what we have seen. I get sad when I think of that time. Everything seemed so much easier then than it is now. I long to be "normal" again. Unbroken.

But then, did we think times were as great as they seem now then? Probably not.
Do I cherish the time we had with Patrick? Definitely yes.
Are we no longer putting off things we want do because, sure, isn't there plenty of time? Hell, yes!

Still, every so often something happens that makes me think:
Who'd have thought we'd be "here".
I didn't.

Sometimes

Sometimes, being  the  new me  just  becomes too  much.
Sometimes, I  just  want  to  go  back  to  being  my  innocent  self  from 3  years  ago.
Sometimes, I  just  don't  want  to  know  the  things I  know  now.
Sometimes, I  just  don't  want  to  feel  what I  must  feel  for  the  rest  of  my  life.
Sometimes, I  just  don't  want  to have  to  do  those things  that  most  of  my  peers  don't  have  to do.
Sometimes, I  just  wish I  could still  be my old  self.....