Monday 22 December 2014

Miscarriage - A Different Kind of Loss

In some ways, when you have faced the ultimate kind of loss, the loss of a child, you may be inclined to think that you should henceforth be shielded from bad stuff. You may think, you have been through enough to last not one but two life times and surely, this should be it. You'll be spared now.

Of course, I know that there are no guarantees in life and life largely does not seem to care too much about what you have been through already. If it has got more to throw at you, it will. There are plenty of examples to prove that...unfortunately.

It is with great sadness that we have to add a miscarriage at 8 weeks to our list of life experiences; something that is not often talked about. But I am sure most who know me know that I need to talk, in my own way, even about the things some might think we should not talk about.

Before, miscarriage was just a word to me. I knew it was something very sad but I guess even having experienced the loss of a child, I didn't truly understand its meaning until it happened to us.

No matter how common they may be and no matter how good the chance to having a healthy pregnancy soon after is statistically, there just is something so profoundly sad about looking at that screen on which you had seen that little flicker of a heartbeat just a week and a half earlier and see it so still; without any movement. In a way, I knew but to see it there right in front of you is so so hard.

I have found myself getting more anxious with each pregnancy and sometimes ask myself if I really could go through it all again...the worry during pregnancy (miscarriage, defects, wondering if baby sprouts an additional arm between scans!), the worry after, questioning if the decisions you are making are the right ones...

But...our desire to have another child and for Eoghan to be able to grow up with a living sibling sort of makes the worry and anxiety something I am determined to work through...somehow.

Sneaky blows out of the blue like these are not really helping me get there. Once more, you confidence is knocked for six and you find yourself looking for possible answers where there probably are none.

Miscarriage, with or without medical intervention, is traumatic. As ours happened over a weekend, it all happened at home. In a way, I was hoping for that but was shocked to be told that my body seemingly had expelled everything without me even noticing. The information booklet from the hospital advises couples that if they recognise the pregnancy (depending on how far along you are), they may want to take it and bury it (somewhat more respectfully than flushing it down the loo, I suppose). I was hoping to do that and bury this little being under our rose bush out back. Be it 6 weeks 8 weeks or whatever gestation, it is still our baby and I found the thought of it going down the toilet unnoticed quite unsettling.

As it happens, this is exactly what must have happened because I never noticed. This makes me sad. How do you not notice? I suppose it all very normal but still makes me very sad and I'll be struggling with it for a while.

December, Christmas and January of course have become quite difficult to navigate emotionally since Patrick's passing. Losing this baby so shortly before Christmas, has made this Christmas very hard. While it certainly is very different from losing a healthy 22 month old, it still is the loss of a much wanted baby. I guess I will take it a day at a time and try my best for Eoghan...who is very much looking forward to Santa coming in a few days time.

Always remembering our little Sproggy and Baby O'Loughlin.