I have long since felt an indifference towards New Year's eve though I am not entirely sure why. I've always felt a bit down and mopey on the night.
Now, I am afraid I am beginning to habour similar feelings towards Christmas. I did get into the festive mood on occasion but largely I have found it to be more of a chore this year...finding gifts, wrapping gifts, the usual things you are supposed to do at this time of the year...My heart just was not in it.
This is our second Christmas without Patrick and it has been much tougher than the first. Perhaps having Eoghan helped soften that blow of facing special occasions like this without Patrick last year.
But as cute as he is, Eoghan was never going to be able to shield me from this forever.
Truth be known, I ve been miserable. And feeling very guilty about it, too.
Because I know we have a lot to be grateful for. Thankfully, I am still able to see that. I am glad that the cat turned up eventually. As we got him just as we were expecting Patrick, and because we have seen him bond with Patrick and not leave the room the night of the wake, we are extremely, extremely attached to Tipoki.
So I know I should concentrate on those small things but sometimes it is not as easy to just go and do what you know you should.
It has been difficult for me to figure out how to best include Patrick in the festivities because I would hate for him to be slipping from peoples minds especially at this time. There are things we do already, like our family photo decorations on the tree and visiting the grave Christmas Day. But somehow I feel this is not enough and he deserves more.
As one of my very thoughtful friends pointed out, there are so many gifts being given...Patrick should have one too and placed on his grave. So maybe we should get him a small gift every year. And make sure Santa brings one to Eoghan from Patrick, too so that, while they were not allowed grow up with each other, a bond of sorts will be forged...
I am sure we will find our way on this path yet but it is proving bloody difficult.
They say the second year is much harder than the first. Boy, do I hope that is true.