A bit of blue.
A bit of gray.
A bit cloudy.
A bit sunny.
A bit drizzly.
And when you have that mix, you sometimes get the faintest of rainbows. Like a sign from somewhere that hey, it's OK. Go with the flow. Allow yourself to feel. Allow the sadness, the happiness, the anxiety. They all have a place within you now. They can co-exist.
Bittersweet is what life has become. For every moment of happiness, there is that brief dart of pain, that bit of "bitter" that has now become a part of most moments.
It makes you experience some things more intensely. Like watching Eoghan growing up, his little personality developing, making his own way in his little world and even fighting his little battles.
Sometimes, when I pick him up, I stand there for a while just watching him, waiting for him to notice me. Oh, how I would love to bring home two boys from the creche every day.
I still do not understand why that has been denied to us. I probably never will. And some days, feeling happy makes me worry that it means we are moving on, somehow ignoring the pain his passing is causing. Yet, I do like those moments that happen almost out of the blue; when you suddenly just feel happy; not ecstatic but just really happy and content. Like the other night when we were after a lovely evening out and concert. Or Tuesday when I was traveling home with Eoghan in the car and he and I had a little conversation.
They also make me a little superstitious though...being scared that if we dare to dream and live a little too carefree again, that we'll jinx it all.
I am finding that lately, all this makes me do odd things and react strangely in certain situations.
When my last surviving grandmother passed away earlier this month and I was contemplating traveling to the funeral, I could not shake this sense of deja-vu. 3 years ago almost to the day, my other grandmother passed away and that time, we took Patrick to Germany for the funeral. A few short months later he was dead himself. So I am finding myself in a bit of predicament.
I hate not going.
I cannot bear the thought of going by myself.
I would not want us all to go together because it feels too much like 3 years ago.
If we went, would this mean something will happen to Eoghan, too? Of course not! But try telling that to my head; a head that is worried that maybe, just maybe it might.
Having not been able to leave Eoghan for a night since he was born, I think this would be too big a step. So I sat with it for a while. So much so, that my husband asked me 3 days later what my parents were on about on Facebook about my grandmother. I hadn't actually told him! Well, I did not want to on the day because a few days prior he had lost a friend of his suddenly also. I mean...how much bad news can you deal with?!
After much pondering, I now know what I'll do on the day of her funeral and I am happy enough with my decision.
I am taking todays faintest rainbow as a sign that it is a good one.
"And I will love you longer, than the Great Wall of China".
(Jack L, Great Wall of China)
