A husband losing his wife, is a widower.
A wife losing her husband, is a widow.
There is no name for us, bereaved parents. Perhaps such is the extend to which the world sees this scenario as unnatural, that it never bothered to come up with a name for it.
When a child is born, there is joy, cards, presents, people visiting. You get maternity leave to bond with this tiny person. In some countries, dads also get the chance to stay home and spend much important time with their children.
When a child dies, there are no words. Nobody knows what to say. Everybody feels sad and awful. The bereaved parents are supported through the wake and funeral process. There is no allowance for compassionate leave beyond the usual 3 days. Parents are dependent on the good-will of their employers and some will have positive experiences while others feel rushed back to work before they are ready. Of course, how could anyone put a time frame on the loss of a child? But some clause, some minimum (up to a month and beyond at the discretion of the employer), would not go amiss.
Then, within a certain amount of time, people not directly involved with the bereaved parents move on. They carry on with their lives. Of course they do. Perhaps, in ways, they want to put this awful thing behind them and hope they'll never have to deal with the like of it ever again.
It is then that they might not be able to cope with the parents who continue to struggle with coming to terms with their loss. They may not realise that this is something that these parents will never get over or move on from. To those parents, it is a new reality. They will carry this with them into their graves. Of course, in time they learn to live with it a little better than at the start but with them it will stay.
Some may find it tough to have this constant reminder of something so fundamentally sad.
On the journey through grief, the bereaved parents may find people who used to be close becoming more distant and strangers becoming new found friends.
We have been lucky. We have retained all people dear to us and gained some new friends.
Our world has changed. We seem to be surrounded by worst case scenarios which makes it hard to cope with times when Eoghan is sick. It could be a simple virus...but what guarantee is there that by some fluke it won't kill him?
When Eoghan is ill, I've been scared to go to sleep in case something happened to him while I slept.
I guess, this too is something we will get used to.
While we miss our little man every day, our lives are still very rich.
He may not be here but:
There is sheep roaming the Kerry mountains carrying his name.
He's had trees planted and balloons released for him in almost all four corners of the world.
He's had a star named after him.
He has a patch on the latest SUDC patch work quilt.
Pretty good going, I think.
XXX
