She is here. Our daughter and our second rainbow arrived in July, 7 pounds even; not waiting for anyone - least of all her dad who had popped out for food expecting a lengthy enough wait. And I have been trying to catch up with her ever since.
She is cute. She has dimples just like Patrick. She is the apple of her brothers eye and we feel very much blessed to have her.
Yet, in those early weeks, I often found myself looking at this tiny human in my arms searching for a connection that I could not find. One, that I thought would (again) come naturally when I'd hold her -finally knowing that she was really here and OK.
Truthfully, I never did start bonding with her throughout the pregnancy like I did with the boys. Instead, I continued feeling too worried that something might still happen. Another early miscarriage, a late miscarriage, still birth, something happening at birth...I just assumed this would resolve itself after she was born.
It did not. At least not easily. In your head you know this can be normal but it catches you out all the same.
I felt that I ought to have been blissfully happy.. Instead, I was not feeling myself at all. I smiled and nodded when people said I must be over the moon. Well, I was of course, but it wasn't that simple and oh: I didn't know how to talk to anyone about it because this was not how I was supposed to be feeling (especially given our history).
That I sometimes looked at my child and felt like I am looking at a stranger.
That I often felt sad.
That I felt so helpless and stressed early on when the baby was crying and I could not make her stop.
That I worried what my temporary lack of patience and tendency to snap at small things in times of stress would do to my relationship with Eoghan.
That I sometimes still feel entirely useless as a parent and partner.
That the amount of things on my to do list sometimes overwhelm me beyond reason.
That the way I am feeling occasionally is making me withdraw and become absent minded.
That it felt like I am becoming invisible.
Of course I know there is a lot going on because let's face it: Birth and life with a newborn is hard in itself even if you take out the day to day stuff, siblings and a history like ours.
Post-natal hormones, anxiety, other health hiccups, the specter of the previous miscarriages and having the anniversary of the latest miscarriage, her birth and the would-have-been due date of the first miscarriage all arrive within the same 2-3 weeks were probably all adding up in the beginning.
On a subconscious level I think I might also be scared to get too close after losing Patrick to something so unpredictable like SUDC. Strangely, I did not have that issue so much with Eoghan as a newborn but he did arrive very quickly after Patrick died - while we were still processing everything that had happened. In any case, my brain just never went there that time but for some reason seems to have sprinted there now putting distressing thoughts into my head: "Will she be waking up from this nap?" "What other horrible thing might happen to her?"
And MISSING Patrick. The MISS can be overpowering at times these last weeks. Almost raw and fresh again. Quite possibly because she reminds me so much of him.
I don't know.
Although Caoilfhionn and me have fortunately bonded well by now, one dimply gummy smile at a time, I still don't really feel like my normal self.
I guess I continue playing catch up with our little rainbow until I do. She and her big brother certainly will keep me on my toes.
