One thing that sprung into my mind immediately after finding out our son had died suddenly in his creche was blame.
I was worried for my husband and needed him to know that never for a second did it enter my head there might have been something he failed to do or that he missed.
I was also worried for the creche - wanting them to know what we did not doubt for one second that their care was anything but wonderful.
I was really worried about the girl who found him - wanting to re-assure her there was nothing anyone could have done and not to feel guilty.
As soon as I got home, I did say that to Pat. Of course he was going over every second of the hours between me leaving the country and Patrick dying. Of course you wonder if there was something we might have missed.
But sure, Patrick had just been to see his GP over an ongoing ear infection that was clearing up. Just the Wednesday before he died, he saw his GP who felt the ear was getting better and we could move to ear drops instead of antibiotics. And he was due to see the consultant who fitted the grommets the day of his funeral.
The GP who saw him last also said to us he was going over things again and again wondering if he had missed anything.
I was somehow sure the post mortem would not show anything and that it would be a case of shrugging shoulders and confused doctors not being able to explain what happened.
To me, that outcome seemed the most appealing...at least it would not be something genetic, hereditary or anything that might happen again. This could be declared a once off, a horrible fluke that will never ever happen to us again.
On the blame, I think often it happens that parents need to find something to blame in this kind of a situation. Each other, doctors, the creche - and to me/us it is important for all to know that in Patrick's situation there is no blame. Nobody could have predicted or prevent it from happening.
Does not make it easier but ...
