Not having a good day really. Some days just seem to catch you out more than others and often, I am not sure why exactly. I guess, you have to go with the flow and allow yourself that time to be anti-social and self-indulgent in your grief at that particular moment.
Many times, people will tell you that you now have a little angel up in heaven watching over you. I know they mean well and there are days where this notion does help but there are others when it does not.
I remember once reading about someone who was told that and they said they felt like saying to that person: "Well then, line up your kids and pick one to be your angel. Which one would you pick?"
Harsh? Maybe; but there are days when you might catch yourself thinking just that - though you usually tend to stop yourself from actually uttering those words because, again, they really do not mean any disrespect or harm in what they are saying. What can you say to someone in that situation? Most of the time, even I would be afraid to speak to me because there just are no words. Often, it is little gestures though that touch you beyond measure and make you grateful for the support you have around you.
Today though I truly feel that no, I do not want an angel in heaven. I want my son here with me, sitting beside me on the couch and maybe feeling my growing tummy and looking at me curiously when his little brother starts another kick-boxing session. Today, I am grieving for the son I lost and for his little brother and the fact they'll never get to meet or play with each other. I want to be picking his big boy bed and fret about potty training.
No, I do not want him in heaven, I want him right here with us and the closer we get to his little brother being born, the stronger that feeling gets.