Here is something I noticed: There seem to be different ways in which people deal with the immediate weeks and months following their child's death.

There are some who will retreat into their beds, bury their heads in the sand, cry extensively and cease to cope with life and living for as long as they need to.

Then there are those who get busy almost as soon as the coffin has been lowered into the ground. Trusts, fund-raising, blogging, awareness-raising...you name it, they do it. Anything to keep the memory of their loved ones alive, to make themselves feel their death was not in vain...and to keep busy.

You will not be able to foresee which category you belong to. And ultimately, it does not matter. Each persons journey through grief is different. No way is the right or wrong way though some ways are perhaps a bit more harmful to oneself than others.

I know I definitely was one to feel she needed to be busy. I would have quite happily turned the house upside down and changed everything in a bid to keep myself occupied. Time was the enemy.

As Patrick was our up-until-then only child, I went from thinking there aren't enough hours in the day to not knowing what to do with all this time I had once again...literally over night.

I needed to be busy. Organising the months mind, his birthday announcements in the papers, getting paperwork for the SUDC research program together, blogging, setting up his memorial website and organising fund-raising.

I can see the same thing happening with other people who are newly into their loss. Little Caden Beggan's parents are doing a wonderful job of raising awareness and funds and keeping his memory alive. As are Reuben's parents (Reuben's retreat) or Millie's (Millie's Trust...raising awareness of the importance of first aid on children after their little girl choked to death on a piece of food in her creche....how many of us would be unsure what to do?!).

Perhaps it is the way in which our darlings went that made us feel helpless and out of control. We figure that while we were unable to safe them, while our hands were bound...this is something we can do. We can actively work on making others aware. Sparing others the heartache perhaps. Or just help them through their own journey.

All things considered, even though one could say this flurry of activity is partially escapism, I think it is one of the more positive ways to mourn your child.

But here is the thing:
Prepare yourself for not being able to keep going at that rate forever.
Eventually, you will slow down and bit by bit what you might have put off by keeping busy will catch up with you.

The enormous tasks you undertook just a few weeks into your grief and mastered seemingly without much hassle at all, may start to look absolutely impossible to tackle. Indeed, you might wonder how you even did it all in the first place.

And you might feel terribly guilty about that. You may not understand why you are suddenly unable to get your head around organising this years fund-raising thing or anniversary notice.  It may feel like you are letting them down.

For someone like me who is generally super organised, it is neigh impossible to understand why I am sometimes stuck to the couch, a mopey mess for days on end, unable to decide what to have for breakfast, let alone go about planning the next Stroll For Sproggy.


But...
That initial flurry of activity is good...if it helps you through it.
Slowing down and dealing with this big mess is good too. It will need to be done some time.
Not being able to keep going in the same manner for the rest of your life is ok also. You are not letting them down. Choose your battles...keep doing the stuff that feels important to you and that you can continue to manage as you will have to also manage all the other aspects of your life.
As someone pointed out too, be prepared that things which were helpful at the start, end up not helping anymore later. And it is ok to turn away from them, if it feels like the thing to do.



The greatest honour I think we can give our angels is to live our lives to the fullest while remembering them and keeping their memory alive. I am sure they would not want to see a mopey mess on the couch surrounded by empty tissue boxes and photographs...Every so often that is OK...just not too often.


Well...all of this is easier said than done of course. Now I shall go and try take a leaf out of my own book.....