There are days when you expect that you will be feeling raw and sad. Days when you anticipate the MISS will be massive. And you try to steel yourself just to realize afterwards it was not as bad.

Then there are the days when you know you should be having a good time and all of a sudden all you want to do is shut out the world and switch yourself off for a while.

Once more, I have been blindsided by the MISS though I felt it brewing for a few days.

I am not sure whether it was a combination of going away for the weekend AND my birthday that triggered it or just my birthday … but hit it did.

I just do not seem to be getting any joy out of my birthday anymore. The day has lost a lot of its meaning to me and all I wanted to do was pretend it was not happening. Somehow, the normal routine and the daily grind are my friends along this journey. They keep me focused, keep me functioning. Breaks, changes to the routine and special occasions leave me all muddled up because they appear to emphasise the Sproggy shaped hole in my life. Everything just turns into a reminder of what is missing. As much as I want to, I am unable to shake that bout of depression leading up to the day and on the day itself. Those are times I feel scarily low… often amazed at the new depths I reach.

It’s a vicious cycle really and perhaps, if I allowed myself to let it be what it is, I would not get as bad.

However, as I am very much aware of not looking forward to the day and missing Patrick so much on those occasions, I then begin feeling incredibly guilty for feeling that way. I get very cross at myself for moping and not taking comfort in the many good things in my life as I feel I should. I beat myself up for not counting myself lucky to have a wonderful husband, a cuddly and huggy son and so many people who care about me. As a result, I start worrying: Worrying that those bouts of intense grief are turning me into a neglecting mother, numb wife, absent-minded friend and all around bad person. I wonder why I seem incapable of putting this aside and give my other son, husband and the world around me the attention they deserve? And I question why anyone would possibly want to stick with me.

All these thoughts result in a downward spiral that I get sucked into for a time. Once I am out the other side, I know that really, I am not like this as much as I think I am. I know that, overall and all things considered, I am functioning reasonably well. But it is easy to be reasonable when your mind is clear. Not so much when it is foggy and full of negative thoughts, worry and sadness. I do find it scary when those negative feelings and thoughts temporarily take over and make everything seem so much worse than it actually is.  People know that in those times I become a little bit of a recluse as I am trying to make sense of what my head is going through. I have to become quiet and listen to those thoughts before I can attempt to straighten them out and make sense of them.

Just maybe the husband is right and I need to allow myself to feel what I feel. I know that I am appreciative of what I have in life – just as much as I am painfully aware of what I have lost. And perhaps I would not have the level of appreciation without that loss.

Still, there are plenty days when I wish I could have remained blissfully unaware of this side of life...