It is the eve of our would-have-been due date. How the past weeks and months have flown.
With this particular consultant I am pretty sure we would have been induced; most likely Tuesday 28th July, as he works in the maternity on a Tuesday.
He or she would have been born either that day or the next...but most likely that day.
We'll never know why it happened. Likewise, we'll never forget.
It is not possible to compare these two types of losses. It is impossible to say one is worse than the other. They are...different. Certainly, they are received differently. One is grieved intensely and more openly. The other is grieved more reservedly and privately...There is a reluctance to talk.
But when a pregnancy is lost, there are so many questions:
When we can we try again?
How long will it take?
Will it happen again?
And you set out...finding your way and learning lessons you would not have learnt if it weren't for this. You suddenly think back and wonder how difficult it must have been for others you know who have faced the same and you gain an appreciation of how they kept their faith through it all. While you might have been aware of their trouble, you only then develop a different, deeper type of understanding. It's a pity really - You might have been a better friend to them if you had this understanding all along.
Weeks and then months tick by...Nothing.
I don't know why but many who have had miscarriages are eager to be pregnant again by the time the original due date rolls around at the very least...myself very much included. I guess we think it might make the loss a little easier to deal with.
If that does not happen...well...there is little we can do about it but it does feel like life is adding insult to injury. I mean...that just isn't supposed to happen. Plus, we're a fierce fertile bunch on either side of the family, after all! :p
But such is life...It'll take however long it will take and we can't do anything but try...but man (and in my head I am saying this with an American twang like our 3 year old does), it can be a lonely road.
Pregnancy loss and infertility are two things that just aren't talked about much...and fair enough, some prefer not to but there are others who possibly wish they were able to share their worries and insecurities more. I wonder though how many couples plod along unbeknownst to sometimes even their nearest and dearest...
Tonight I will spare a thought for them and hope that eventually, their dream will come true. I will light a candle for our two little ones in heaven...Sproggy and Baby O'Loughlin.
I will also give the best husband of them all a big hug...because he's been wonderful at helping us deal with all those curve-balls life has been throwing at us and makes me see the many ways in which we are blessed.
Thank you! xxx