Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Lost

Definitely and utterly lost. The last few days have amounted to nothing more but depression central. Not even trips to the beach and fresh sea air could alleviate that feeling of being incredibly lost...and confused.

Nor did immersing myself in other peoples problems (Greys Anatomy season finale) seem to help. Balls to that. Maybe the writing will help? (Here is to hoping.)

But ask me to define..well..anything - Beats me. Everything? Anything?

Not being able to hear Patrick's footsteps as he trip traps around the bedroom in the mornings anymore. And the way he peeped through the bars at the foot end of the bed. I never did manage to take a picture of that.

Just him being gone and fading from our daily lives.

Remembering and for some reason re-living "that" day more often right now.

Worrying about something happening to Eoghan, too.

Being very anxious about going back to work. I am really not sure how I will deal with a number of things about that one.

            For one, not being able to do what has been keeping me somewhat sane for now. Being out, walking, jogging (of late), having plenty of me time for my own mental health. Not that it is working all the time!

            Then, and perhaps most importantly, not being able to spend as much time with Eoghan anymore. It occurred to me that the girls in the creche probably knew Patrick better than we did. Or rather knew sides of him that we had not yet seen at home. And that would be normal enough considering how much time kids spend there. Still, it hurts to realise that all the same. You sort of wish that all company's worked towards better work/life balances....and really, I cannot complain about my place at all as they are extremely supportive and always have been but working hours are what they are.

How will I cope with Eoghan being in the creche? Right now the thought of that really ... hmmm...what. I am not sure. Freaks me out? Scares me? I just honestly do not know how I will cope. While I have 100% trust in the creche, I really worry that when I am cooped up inside that office, I might be overwhelmed by (irrational) fears.

Oh I don't know. I just feel really lost and confused and scared right now. Above all, I am really missing my little man...Eoghan's big brother.

I guess these times are part and parcel of this journey and I just have to keep following down that road hoping it gets a little less bumpy again for a bit...before the next bumpy stretch. Right now I just want to switch myself off and wait until I have made it out the other side...

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